just look at me now
"Wordlessly, they both examined the angry, bubbling, raised welts, the long ragged lines, the symmetrical circles. Her arm looked like she had been chewed up by a cultivator...There and there, the half moon markings of cuticle scissors; over here and here and here, erupting wounds from serrated bread knives. The neat markings were from panic attacks when she didn't have anything better than a fork. And the circles, all those circles -- cigarette burns. Every inch of her arm was ravaged....Dani felt like she was losing her battle with nausea. Her hand trembled. 'Alison. How could you stand the pain?' Scratch looked down at Dani as if really seeing her this time. 'Stand it? I couldn't not stand it.' She ran her forefinger across the longest welt. 'This little pain stopped the big pain, the unbearable bits. At least for the moment. See?'"--from The Game [teresa toten]
"I was hot, burning. I felt my flesh against my cheek. It was a hurt. It was a promise. Would he really have married me? It was probably just another stony dream, too. No one would love me. Not someone as tattered and worn and used goods as me. I backed into the corner. I reached for my guitar -- but it was so far away, and my hand was so small. My hand was so small. My hand was shrinking, if it was my hand. Guitar further away. A million miles away. Broken strings...No one could love me. No one would see me. Why did I have to be different? Why can't my mind be still? I can no longer sleep! I stretch my soul forever, but it is not enough... My eyes. I wanted to scratch them out so I wouldn't have to look at myself."
--from St. Jude [dawn wilson]
face this. i talk about it because it's real. but that doesn't mean i'm justifying it. it's not justifiable. it's lies, all of it. a world, an entire existence built around lies. you hear it once, hear it again, then drop all to listen. once you listen, you start believing. this is the only way out. pain can only be calmed by more pain. and it drags you down. it holds you and it'll keep you there unless you realize -- it's a lie. one that i've held on to for far too long.
and maybe i'm weak but i'm not staying here. i may not get out alone, in and of myself (because i can't) but i'm not staying here. no one was made to live like this.
there's my soul. i just poured it out in front of you.