no one blames a girl as young as she was

and now it's too hard to talk. i haven't even been writing lately (not honestly writing) because i'm just so tired of it all. but here i am and i'm pulling this from deep within myself, stretching myself across a distance much too wide and forcing this pain out into words. i was doing so good, or at least good for the time being. five days, five days straight and only slight cravings now and then. good eh? i knew it wouldn't last. took a pin to my wrist and (staying away from my veins because believe it or not, i'm not suicidal) it started as scratching, just slight scratching, maybe out of sheer tiredness more than anything else. stopped after awhile, feeling ashamed and frustrated, and left to take a shower. came back a few minutes later and found another pin. started again, this time just wanting some release and just wanting to feel, just wanting to prove to myself that i'm still alive. but it was mostly a wasted effort, the pain wasn't enough and neither was the blood, all that was coming off was dried blood and chunks of skin and i was running out of patience for it, and the pins kept going dull. they're useless when they get dull and i have so little patience these days, it seems.

and at this moment i hate myself for it even though at the time it was no big deal. seeing it here in words i know how ugly it looks, and i see what i've become and it scares me. why do i do this. why why why. it makes no sense, i have no reason. in fact i should be running circles out of pure dumb happiness right now because things have been alright lately. with my uncle in the hospital, my dad and all of us, really, have been holding so close to each other, waiting for news and wondering and catching the worry in each other's eyes. maybe its only because he's preoccuppied, but at the moment he seems more than ever like the person i used to know. and i want it to stay like this. i want him to stay near to me.

inside i know i'm crying because i'm sick of living this way. i want OUT and i want to be alright and i want to wake up in the morning with a smile at some point. and i don't want my prayers to always be consisting in some part of things like cutting that i can't seem to get away from. and ahhh SO MUCH tonight it hurts that the people nearest to your heart are always the ones who hurt you the most. do i trust too easily or do i simply chose to trust the wrong people? i'm wondering and watching someone i love so much turn her face from me and i'm shutting my eyes in denial that this could be a replay of past pain. i know she's hurting and i want to be there for her but what i can't stand is to be pushed away. i want more than anything right now for someone to need me.

and i'm so sorry. i hate myself for being this way, for being the most self-absorbed hateful spiteful cruel and uncaring person i've ever met. i wish i could get out, i can i know but at the same time i feel so alone. even with the people who love me most, because i'm wondering now if i'm really loveable. and if ur not loveable then how can you love?

THIS ISN'T ME. it's not and i won't believe that it is and someday i'll shake off this burden and find who i used to be or who i was meant to be and then you'll see that when i say that i love you, then i mean it and you'll see that i never meant to hurt you. and it won't be like this anymore, things will change because this isn't who i am and i won't stay this way.

i've got my first exam tomorrow afternoon and why am i still up. i don't know. but sometimes sleepiness is a small sacrifice to make in order to face your pain.

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