blind her eyes begin// the darkness in her mind

my family and i were at some sort of theme park, somewhat like universal studios (where i worked last summer), which in the dream seemed great because my family's never been there. the amusement park was abstract as things always are in dreams but nevertheless we were having a good time. somehow though the amusement park disappeared, or perhaps we just left, point being that the next thing i knew, my family and i were sitting next to a lake (one that reminded me of one of the state parks here in texas). it was my parents' anniversary, which seemed normal, but somehow the whole dream seemed to turn and they announced that they would be going off to spend some time together, it being their anniversary and all. that would have seemed normal if the rest of us (my brothers and sisters and myself) wouldn't have been stranded next to this lake in the middle of nowhere. things are blurry in my memory after that, but i do remember that we had to find somewhere to spend the night, we all slept out in the woods, and we were in danger of some sort, though i'm not sure what. the next day my parents still hadn't come back. we somehow found food and that night slept with half of us at my friend peter's and the other half at my friend haley's (which makes no sense since they live in different states). days seemed to go by and my parents didn't come back; for some reason i was the one in charge, not my brother and not my older sister. me. and so in my mind (in the dream) i assumed that my parents would never come back, and it was up to me to take care of the family i had left now. we moved into a small house together and scrounged for money to buy food. i don't know how much time passed but at some point my parents ended up returning and tracking us down. as if we were fugitives or some such thing, they had been asking about us all and people had pointed them to the house we were living at. i don't remember it all after that but i was out on the porch of our house, talking to my parents, trying to ask them where they had gone and why they had stayed away and why they had left us with no money, no shelter, no transportation, and why they were leaving AGAIN when they could visibly see that we were struggling just to survive. i couldn't fit a word in, though, because my father was screaming at me, yelling at me for leaving the lakeside and calling me words that in real life he's probably never even heard of. he was threatening to kill me and all of the sudden i was laying flat on my back on the porch, his huge frame towering over me, livid with anger; with one swift motion of his hands he grabbed me and lifted me into the air, threatening again to throw me into the railing of the porch, screaming that i had better shut up or i'd be a goner. i can't ever remember in a dream feeling so terrified, so afraid, i was bracing myself for the impact of the porch railing and cringing as i thought of the immense pain, i was trembling and all i could do was say over and over that i was sorry and he was right, i was sorry and he was right, he was always right and i was only stupid. my groveling seemed to satisfy him and he left finally, and then i was inside. only now instead i was in my own house, in my own kitchen with my mother and my older sister, cooking dinner. my father was out in the front yard with my brother and my brother's (nonexistent) girlfriend, they were all leaving to go somewhere and my father seemed perfectly amiable. i watched this all through the kitchen window and said something to the extent that my father had gone insane, what was he doing, etc. (i was still filled with fear from what he had done to me earlier), saying all this to the belief that my mother would sympathize. yet before i knew what had happened, she was turning on me too, asking if i would say that to my father's face, and when i replied "no of course not, he would kill me" (literally), she said, "then i will too." again i was suddenly on the floor, down on my knees in front of her and she had a huge knife in her hand (one that she had been cooking with), she was parting my hair with that knife, slowly, sickeningly, as if she were about to drive it into my skull right down the part in my hair. i screamed at her what was she doing and i was once again terrified, holding her by the throat in an attempt to keep her away from me. she was still going at me with that knife, and before my eyes i watched her eyes transform until they were glowing with evil, her whole face becoming something so animal-like and demonic, she was screaming and driving at me with the knife, and i so horrified, still holding her away from me to avoid my own death. i was crying out to God, screaming for help and claiming the blood of Jesus over my mother and my absent father as my sister like a ghost just looked on...

and i woke up. trembling and terrified, the images still so real before my eyes. i buried my face in my pillow and cried without tears.

i've had so many dreams lately that sometimes i fear sleep itself.

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