still life
::woke up slow this morning to quiet walls and a sunlight flood. this place it seems so empty and everything except for this wait has left me. try not to dwell on this time. how long can it last? hold your breath and close your eyes. the pain will pass. try to rise above the distance of all that you want and soon you'll know the why. why and for what. for the sake of love like no other. for something we've never known. for the hope of another chance at happiness. we forsake. i've watched the colors fade where windows cast their shape. the same way i have changed in the light of these dark days. i believe in happiness and in love that never fails but the longer i wait here the more they just feel like a fairy tale. i need you to save me. you seem beyond a stones throw. helpless hands tied. i try but this garden's overgrown on the inside. try to rise above the distance of all that i want and remember the why. why and for what.::-- brandtson
*****
didn't i say i didn't want it anymore? this pain, it tortures me. things were going so well, i thought there was a way out. and there is. i know there is. but things are harder than they seem.
my medicine is so messed up. i keep being switched from one thing to another and right now it's...welbutrin. and trileptol. they're freaking me out. i have felt angry, violently angry about nothing at all. like blind rage, and it's all i can do not to cut. i haven't (thank God) but it's too close for comfort. i lie awake at night because the voices i'm hearing won't stop. the past few days have been so dark that i can't do anything. can't study. i have an exam tomorrow. and school is beginning to slip my capability these last few days. i sat in the 4runner in the walmart parking lot at 3 in the morning with john friday night and cried. cried so hard because the world's spinning again and i'm reaching for something but i can't find anything to hold onto. because it hurts worse when you see only a glimpse of sunlight; you know how good it is, you want so much more of it, but the clouds won't let it through.
i'm not giving up; i'm not, though i want to. i'm not going back to the hospital, i will not run away again. i haven't lost hope. the pain WILL pass, i know it will. try not to dwell on this time. because it's not forever. it's just for now.
and God i'm so desperate for You. so desperately in need of You and You alone. i need You to save me.