the twenty-fifth
we went out tonight and walked along the Riverwalk, me and my family and my grandma and one of my cousins. just the 10 of us walking together, watching the lights and the plants and the river and the people, people watching the lights and the plants and the river watching people. so tied up into one intricate movement, and i want to feel it. i want to know what it's like to feel and i want to feel something that's beyond just myself. because what i see when i reach out and try to touch is beauty, and it hurts me so much to see beauty that my heart closes up the way a wounded hand curls into a fist. i thought of luke's dad and his stepmum when they got married and how they came here to san antonio on the honeymoon and probably went to the Riverwalk, and i looked around and saw everyone holding hands, or kissing, or off in their own place where no one but each other exists, and it made me want to cry. love is beauty and beauty is love; i want it so badly and yet i am wretched, i am torn apart and splintered down the middle and sometimes i do not know. do. not. know. how to cope. i shove my heart back into my chest, breathe in, breathe out.keep walking.
the pain will pass.