i'd rather run
i have no words; i'm using every ounce of strength i can find to get through these things. and i'm still here.my heart is yours tonight, ruby gloom.
*****
i'm adding to this entry because earlier i simply could not get any words out. things are ok though; as i've said before, i've learned how to leave pain and lose fear and i can almost say i've learned how to tolerate myself. tonight i was walking across mark's apartment complex to get to his place for homegroup, and chris was walking with me. something was weird, maybe in that he was so quiet, and he wasn't messing around like always. but suddenly he just stopped and kind of looked at me funny and he goes, "hey will you pray with me right now? i mean, will you pray for me and stuff?" so we stood there and i prayed for him, but all the while i was thinking how it strikes me as funny: he is the most popular person i've ever known, i don't know a single person who doesn't totally love him, and yet he still feels so insecure at times. i think a lot of it all goes back to what he spoke about tonight at homegroup: spiritual warfare. i was soaking in his words because i was so exhausted, emotionally and physically, and there are times like these that i feel that this fighting is so extreme, and it never ends. the armor of God is there to protect and to strengthen, but who doesn't grow weary at some point? and that's the point at which i now am. so many things are happening; they aren't worth putting into words. sometimes i want to ask someone to help me up off the ground, but i'd rather be here for you instead. i would bleed for each and every one of you.