or so to speak
things are different now. i can't say how exactly, just that everything feels different. like suddenly i can step back from everything i was caught up in before, and now i see it so clearly. i see you and the way things are, the way things have been, the way i've been. nothing's changed, but everything has at the same time. so what's to say?i've been running. in the words of forrest gump: "that day, for no particular reason, i decided to go for a little run. so i ran to the end of the road. and when i got there, i thought maybe i'd run to the end of town. and when i got there, i thought maybe i'd just run across greenbow county. and i figured, since i run this far, maybe i'd just run across the great state of alabama. and that's what i did. i ran clear across alabama. for no particular reason i just kept on going. i ran clear to the ocean. and when i got there, i figured, since i'd gone this far, i might as well turn around, just keep on going. when i got to another ocean, i figured, since i'd gone this far, i might as well just turn back, keep right on going. when i got tired, i slept. when i got hungry, i ate. when i had to go... you know... i went." now that's my kind of logic. don't ask me why one day i decided i'd just start running, but i did. and now i do, not every day, but most days, and there's no real reason for it -- just to run. i run alone 99% of the time so that it's just me and God, and sometimes i talk or think things out but most the time it's just silence -- repose, if you will.
i've been writing somewhat also, trying to put all these things into words, but most the time it's impossible. maybe if i really wanted to sit around and think long and hard about it, i could find the words, but the truth is -- i don't want to. i'm in this distinct stage where my feelings are exactly this: whatever. and it's scary to me because it's so foreign, but scary or not, i simply don't care. deb says this is good though; she says this is the first stage of moving on. so something is working out, it would seem.
when it comes down to it, this is where i'm at: something you said, and your words hit just right. i'm moving forward, seeing things for once in a whole new light. i'm proving you right... and it's never felt so good to be moving.
i love you all.