due for a miracle

at the same time, much of it seems trivial in comparison to the things that many of my friends are going through. but i guess that can be said of anyone at any time -- no matter what it is you're facing, there's a good chance that someone else is facing either the same thing, or something harder. as my dad says, "everyone has their plateful of sorrow in life."

so i'll make an attempt to write.

hannah, my best friend from back in high school, was recently proposed to by her boyfriend of a year or so. they're planning the wedding to be held some time in july. i am so happy for her, and yet at the same time i have mixed emotions over it. her marriage will be one more difference that adds to the growing lack of things we share in common. she has always been what i call the "typical girl": wanting a husband, children, and a home of her own. i'm in no way berating those things, since i think that they're some of the best things a person can have in life. but, i've simply never had the same desire for them that she has. those are hannah's dreams; to me, they're parts of life that i'll someday accept and settle in to.... i have always felt wrong for feeling that way, but so far feeling wrong has changed nothing.... regardless of how i feel about marriage and families, etc., i'm more than happy to know that hannah is watching her dreams come true, and since she's waited on God's timing to be with gary, i know that their marriage will be a blessed one.

shortly after the holidays were over, i received news that a friend who used to go to church with me died during christmas break. michael and i were never really close friends -- turtle and joy knew him a lot better than i ever did -- but our church is of the size that most people know most other people, and the whole atmosphere is like a family. maybe it's also strange to me because he wasn't much older than i am. maybe because i know that he had plans and things he wanted to do with his life, and maybe because i'm guessing that when he went home to alaska to spend christmas with his family, he had no idea that within days he would be going Home forever instead. of course so often we take life for granted, but when death comes so suddenly and unexpectedly, it all becomes surreal. losing michael has had that same quality of distortion to it.

and there are other things, deeper and closer and harder, of which i have not the strength nor the will to speak. all i can say is i have been more tired, more frustrated, more lonely and closer to despair than i can remember being for such a long time. words can't describe it. yet at the same time i wish i could explain, i wish i could place into your hands the knowledge that God has been so good to me. right now i'm at the point where i've wandered so far within myself and seen so much that i know only God can understand. yes these are things we all remember, we all forget, we all deny or try to replace, but in the end you can never escape that knowledge -- there is only God.

and this is God: sometimes, the excitement of the beginning of a romance, shifting and alluring in its newness and its promises. sometimes, the closeness of a brother, written out in bonds that can't be broken, in secrets closely kept. sometimes, the companionship of a long-time friend, who has come through the worst with you and shared the best, always seeming to somehow know you better than even you know yourself. sometimes, the awesomeness of a creator, whose power spills out of the same hands that dare to reach out to be grasped. sometimes, the comfort of a father, in wisdom and guidance and arms to shield you from a world too cold. sometimes, the intimacy of a lover, with heartbeats too close to be separated. and always, God. through it all we are discovering, through it all we are being changed, and through it all we are falling in love, over and over again.

how could i choose anything else?

i wish i had the words; i wish i could explain. i wish you knew.

(i am praying for you.)

"i'll stare straight into the sun and i won't close my eyes, till i understand or go blind..."

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