extravagant love
today i went to my last two classes before spring break. woohoo! =) they seemed to drag on foreverrrr. but it's ok because now all of that is behind me and i can let me brain turn to mush. i also: locked myself out of my truck at school without a key to unlock it, ran into john in the A-building and hitched a ride home with him (he doesn't even go to school on thursdays but he was there taking care of some business. isn't that weird? God rocks!), baked a cake for homegroup in a huge hurry and got stuff all over myself and the kitchen in the process, freaked out when i was driving behind beth and she turned the wrong way down a one-way street, melted butter all over the microwave, laid on my bed with beth and had a really good talk about life, had an amazing time worshipping God at homegroup, saw cheryl (!!!), went to sweet eugene's with a bunch of people, spent a good hour trying to print some school papers for my sibs, and had a long conversation with chris and mark about puking. all in all a pretty good day.spending time with God was so good tonight. i can't even put words to it. a few days back i had a conversation with a friend of mine about not wanting to face things in our lives. for me, these are things to which i know God is calling my attention, things i know i should be dealing with. but there is a lot of pain involved, and isn't it always so much easier to just put it off until later? in a lot of ways i'm an easy-going person, and sometimes i struggle with just letting things pass me by or ignoring them. another thing i struggle with is adictions; most of you who know me also know that. maybe i'm not talking about your typical addictions here -- no alcohol, no drugs. these are different things, along the lines of cutting, and emotional addictions, and a very shady eating disorder. (shady for me anyway. other people tell me it's obvious.) if you're an alcholic and you go through AA, they will tell you that you will always be an alcoholic -- you may be in remission from it, but that will always be something you'll struggle with, or at least be prone toward. in many ways i feel the same with these addictions i face. although i've dealt with them in the past, at times they come creeping back into my life, and it's always always difficult to let go of them again.
lately i have felt so at war with myself, my flesh against my spirit, my selfish desires against my godly desires. this is something i'd rather not deal with -- i don't want to face it! i want to just let my body do it's own thing and my spirit do another. too bad it doesn't work that way. and though i know God is patient and His love is eternal and unchanging, i also know that i cannot live a life devoted to Him when these things are standing between us. last night as i was praying, God kept putting this on my heart: "it's up to you. it's your choice whether or not you want to surrender this to me, and i will love you nonetheless. but i have so much to give to you -- so much abundantly more than what you are currently giving yourself -- and i cannot give you those things until you let go of what you're holding on to and fall back on me." that's a hard thing to hear! there's a part of me that wants to be in control, a part of me that wants to keep things to myself because "i know best," and there's the opposite side of me that knows that God knows better than i ever will. that part of me knows that God is waiting to bless me, but i'm turning from those blessings by holding on to my own will. it's something i've struggled with so much lately, and prayed fervently over.
tonight at homegroup we were singing "i will not forget you" (by waterdeep), and there's a line in that song that says: "many men will hear You speak but they will never turn around," and another that says, "many men will read Your words but they will never change their minds." when i was singing that song, i realized that i don't want to be that kind of person -- someone who hears God speaking or is convicted by the Word but doesn't have a change of heart. the song goes on to say: "and my sacrifice is not what You can give, but what i alone can give to You." psalm 17 says, "You do not delight in sacrifice, or i would bring it; You do not take pleasure in burnt offerings. The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit; a broken and contrite heart, O God, You will not despise." that is so true. the thing that God desires most is something that only we can give Him -- our surrendered and humble hearts.
God's love for us is so amazing.
these are hard things for me to talk about. they're the kind of things i'd rather keep to myself, secrets i'd rather curl up with in the dark, because then they are mine, and i'm in control. but, there is so much more in God. He has called us to so much, He's given so much for us, and He is so worthy. anything less than everything is not enough.
i love you all so much and i'm praying for you! no matter what you're facing, keep in mind that God will always lead us to something more if our lives are surrendered to Him. as some of my friends like to say, "God's got your back!" ;) i pray that you rest in the comfort of knowing that. xoxo
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"Spread wide in the arms of Christ
Is the love that covers sin
No greater love have I ever known
You considered me a friend."