and it's all stupid too
sup to all my homies wherever you guys may be. i know you're wondering why tha heck i've got an online diary now, but it's for this reason and this reason only -- so that you guys can still be a part of my life even though we're a good million miles away from each other at the present time. craziness, isnt it?so yeah, orlando is nice despite the fact that it rains enough here in one week to water all the yards in texas. maybe that's an exaggeration, but still...
i want to write. something in me is dying to write and still i can't. this isn't simply writer's block. or if it is, then it's permanent writer's block. truth is, i know i am somebody. and i know that i can look at the world and see things differently. i go through wonder, frustration, depression, happiness (yeah, believe it or not), apathy, numbness, craziness, anger (despite the fact that "i don't get angry"), in the amount of time that a normal person experiences one of those things...I see things sometimes; who knows what they mean, but i see them nevertheless...i find so much meaning in things, hear so much more than what's being said, observe so much more than what lies before me. but somehow it never seems to make its way from my heart to my hand.
i'm tired of living like this. more than anything i just want to feel again. i can't remember the past and i can't see the future, so all i have is now. this one moment. where am I and who are these strangers I call my friends and will anyone ever truly know me? freak it all man, i'm going insane. i feel as though i'm completely confined to living a boring existence. man i can honestly taste the fear of that. that i'll marry a nice man and have nice kids (one boy and one girl, of course) and a nice dog and live in a nice little house and go to a nice church and drive a nice car and be absolutely bored crazy. i fear that i'll never genuinely write and never find a place for my music and never be a ghetto nurse. and i'm scared witless of living a life void of passion. which is what i'm doing right now. my apathy, numbness, deadness -- it freaks me out. where are you, God? because i know for a fact that you're not boring and right now all i can do is sit back and wait for You to rush in and save the day.
peace chill, ppl. i love you all.
bex*