part 1
it's hard to put this into words.imagine what it's like for a minute. all those times when you had urges to give in to the weight of emotion bearing down upon your back. an urge to smash your fist through a plate glass window, or run away from wherever it is that you call home, or to simply lose touch with reality altogether. imagine that...and then imagine giving into it.
so sue me if i want to say that it felt GOOD to lay oblivious, hearing nothing, feeling nothing, seeing nothing. i remember in my head kari and chris calling my name, over and over, telling me to stay with them. it's so much easier not to.
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it's 6 AM. boarding this plane, i wonder if things will really be as different as i'm hoping. i'm struggling to keep my chin up but i feel insanity looming over my head like the darkest of rainclouds. i am so afraid...now i've carried my uncertainties with me these hundreds of miles. well i can leave the rain behind but the pain, it stay with me. it's so much deeper than you can grasp...so now i'm back. and being home doesnt change anything. the hurt in my mouth is stifling. and even the way you smile at me doesn't make things better. how i wish it did. today home is just another place to me. look past this smile and see that i'm not ok. the idea of that hospital is sorely tempting.
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WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME when your kisses and hugs seem unappealing. i feel so sad, so sad.
as always, i'm considering going mental again.