to sum it all up....
[this is my week at the beach.]***
at least while i'm here i can ignore it. i feel a bit dangerous -- unsteady -- being this close to the ocean. like in the Awakening, where...edna...was that her name? kills herself. walks straight out into the waves and doesn't stop. looking out now, i wonder how far she got before her eyes closed for the last time. and if she was afraid. but of course she was, only -- how afraid was she? ahh, what a lonely thing to think about.
in my mind this is where i go when i "leave" as they all say. only alone. here's my house, facing the sea, only i'm never inside it. only i'm never eating, sleeping, anything. it starts the same every time, but now i see it more clearly because i'm actually here. here's me, finding my way down the stairs, across the scraggly stretch of yard, searching for the time-worn path across these grass covered dunes. but it's the ocean i'm looking for.
nothing ever happens at that point. i don't swim, for to swim would be to drown....and when it's too much i forget the ocean and slip into blackness instead. blackness void of emotion -- even loneliness.
***
peace...seems so surreal. like i'm being handed something so similar, yet so...false. maybe i ask for too much. it may seem odd but all i want now is to stand at the edge of the ocean. not in it. near it. and all i want is vows of silence. i don't need your words. not your concern, not your sympathy.
only your hand.
offer me your hand and i know that you are also offering me time. understanding. peace.
***
i am so tired of this.
so endlessly tired.
tired of feeling nothing. numbness, apathy, deadness...i'm freakin tired of it.
today. i feel nothing. nothing at all. and i'm so afraid, just...so afraid. this immense dread looms over my heart and i know that feeling. fear, that i'll slip back into this same place that maybe i never actually left.
i look to the future and dear Lord i'm so afraid. tomorrow is so unclear. there's here, there's this moment right now. and i'm just trying to stay afloat. i feel lost, alone, lonely.
tired. today. nothing.
sometimes i wonder if i'm even real.
and i hope you're never like this. i hope that every morning the sun finds you smiling. if i could trade all my love for your happiness, i would in a heartbeat.
i hope you're never like me.
***
trying to look forward is like trying to seem my reflection in a brick wall. nothing. it gets hard, sometimes, to take things one day at a time. there's so much uncertainty in that.
2 things i know: God is wise, and God is good.
i miss john so much.
***
beauty makes me sad. i don't know why. there's not bitterness here. no anger. pain. contrite despair.
i miss my orlando babies. especially alec. he's 3, right? and his mum lives in tennessee. big word for such a little guy. he hardly ever sees her. lives with his dad and another family in lower-class housing there in central orlando. that last night i was there, he was so sad. i dont know why. but he was. so sad. i wish i understood.
but hey, THAT'S LIFE, alec. that's life, darlin'. i wish i could change it for you. i wish you were mine.
***
john remember that time we cleaned my kitchen together. ok well i owe you one now so i promise to help you wash your clothes sometime.
and stephen (turtle!) you're still my po-po even if you put your fingers in my tea and park all the way across the lot at the grocery store so that i have to walk all over the place.
i love you ALL so very much,
bex*