where am i?
it's too much right now.on one side here's this entire house of people i love talking about things behind my back. one says to another who says to another who says to another and back again things that aren't true. things that i have no say in. things about me. and even when i'm in the room, it's remarks muttered under people's breath, tiny arrows aimed directly at my heart. and they're hitting their mark all too well. it's in the things that they say (or don't say) that i find betrayal, because i thought that at least they of all people would try to understand. i'm not saying understand. just try to. and it leaves me feeling alone, so utterly alone. i'm trying to hold on to bits and pieces of them or at least trying to remember the smiles, but one by one they go their own ways. and it's killing me. makes me wonder all along why they won't say things to my face. if they have a problem, then why won't they tell me. maybe they think i'm too frail, maybe they think i'm "sad all the time" (wasn't that a fun conversation), or maybe they're just waiting for all that anger to build until they can't control it anymore. whichever way, i'm waiting for this to finally come undone, i'm waiting for this to suddenly fall down. holding my breath and cringing as i wait for the impact. to my face they're wonderful, to my eyes they're comforting, but i've got no one backing me up. and in them i no longer find anyone to turn to. ::that's family for me right now.::
and on the other hand are all these other people i love, who might as well be family also. maybe it's better that they're not. but i look at what we used to have and all i see now is groups here, groups there, hurt feelings and broken hearts and indifference and it's the same circles over and over, each one pulling further away until nothing is left. i want to help in some way but everyone's pulling in separate directions and being in the middle like i am, i'm torn. these are the people i used to pour out my heart to (and vice versa), but everyone's run out of words to say. i'm watching them grow up and away, not needing me or even wanting me around anymore. there's such a sense of value in knowing that you're needed. i'm beginning to think i've lost my place completely, like an old pair of shoes that doesn't fit anymore. useless.
and i'm caught between two worlds now. trying desperately to make someone or anyone happy while all the while trying to be happy myself when inside i'm not. i pour out my heart to God because i'm stuck here right now. all around me is anger from every side and things i don't understand and secrets i can't tell and disapproval. over and over the sense of disapproval, disappointment. and this time i'm not imagining it. all i want is a piece of silence. just an inch of calm, because i'm so weary.
the Lord is good/He is God/He will not leave me here.
more than anything i want you to believe me when i say "i love you."
i beg of you to see me when you look at me.
*bex