i'm FREAKIN OUT here!!!
i am so close to cutting myself. so close, i can FEEL it. there are knives in the kitchen. and i'm sitting here and it's all i can do not to take one to my shoulder, which is already so scratched up. darkness is creeping in. i can feel it, i can TASTE it around me and i'm so afraid that i'm trembling. so afraid. i feel so utterly alone and all i can do is cry and pray for something to hold on to. i've got no strength left and i don't know what it is that's compelling me to do this. but somehow in my head i know that when i cut, God weeps. and satan laughs his sorry head off. i can't do it but i'm so close and there's nothing, almost nothing at all holding me back and i'm writing because i've lost all sense and all edge of reason and i've thrown it away to this abyss of fear. resisting is more than i can take, but still i am. "My God, MY GOD, why hast Thou forsaken me? Why are Thou SO FAR from helping me, and from the words of my ROARING? O my God, i cry in the daytime, but Thou HEAREST NOT; and in the night season, and am not silent. But Thou art holy, O Thou that inhabitest the praises of Israel... BE NOT FAR FROM ME, for TROUBLE IS NEAR; for there is NONE to help... Ye that fear the Lord, praise Him... for He HATH NOT DESPISED nor abhorred the affliction of the afflicted; neither hath He hid His face from Him; but when he cried unto Him, HE HEARD." (Psalm 22) and i'm going to bed now, i'm running past the kitchen without a second glance and throwing myself under the blanket with my sister and praying for the strength to stay there. when daylight comes maybe i'll find light again. and this battle isn't mine to fight.it never was.