don't leave tonight.... please

at 12:04 on a sunday night i should still be out chilling with my ppl. but others seem not to think so. so here i am, but i'm not sleeping anyway. ahh well its ok.

weird though, today. just a weird day. finally told tammy stuff. told her everything, or at least everything i could remember. she cried/i cried, even though i hadn't wanted to cry. and we pulled ourselves together and went into HEB to do grocery shopping and talked more while we shopped and bcuz of that it took hours to get the shopping done. but it does my heart good to talk to her. and she (like john and pete's mum) thinks that i should find "someone" to talk to. hmmmm. i'm willing, or at least i'm thinking about it. but the hard thing would be finding someone who doesn't know my dad and then on top of that finding a way to go talk to that person without anyone finding out. ............ i dont know. that's a lot to have to think about.

i realize things, everytime i talk to ppl about this. and i realize now that my dad's not God. he's not, but sometimes its like he is to me. i don't know how to explain that one yet, in words. it sounds sacriligious but i don't mean it like that.

someday i'll sit down and write this out the way i said it today. but i can't right now. i've already been through it once today and it drains me majorly everytime.

i need to take all the scissors, safety pins, paper clips, knives, and other abstract sharp objects in my house and lock them up somewhere. once today already. i can't do it again.

tonight john (that crazy kid) was pulling out the rubbing alcohol and drawing quite a crowd by doing all his fire tricks. so eventually we lit my hands on fire and then being as stupid as i am they wouldn't go out. which i think freaked john more than it freaked me. but my thumb still hurts and what's weird about that is, when i need pain i can turn my whole arm into one big mess of scabs and its still not enough but when i dont care then it hurts like all-get-out. weird, huh?

for some reason it bothers me when my sister (one of the many who will for now remain nameless) is with her friends bcuz she's different. and suddenly i'm on the outside. we don't really know each other too well anymore, i guess. and it shouldn't be a big deal to me, and it's not.... but maybe it is.

if i could live anywhere in the world i'd live in a 2-story farmhouse, with lots of BIG bedrooms upstairs and lots of wood and a cozy little kitchen and a fireplace in the living room and a porch in the front and another porch in the back, and big fields on all sides and it'd have to have a big barn too and trees, and somewhere off in the distance, the ocean. or at least some part of the ocean, a bay or whatnot, because i have to be near water. and i don't even know if a place like that exists but sometimes i dream about it.

someone please tell me why my father won't hug me.

*bex

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