i question it every time
so. john thinks i should get rid of my emo. for the time being, at least. he wants my CDs. and he wants to give me new ones, something not so...sad. this means no more dashboard confessional. no more further seems forever. no more blindside. no more brandtson. i'm not sure i can do it.i'm also not sure that it will change things. does emo really feed my depression? or does it just get it out. is it just another method, like cutting, like crying, something to let the pain leak out at least a little to keep it from staying inside and building and building and someday exploding. (im not justifying cutting, just explaining the reason behind it.)
but to me, emo is like rain, and when i see rain its like feeling rain, and your soul reaches out and knows. man it knows. and sometimes i wonder if that isn't God saying that He knows too. or maybe my thinking is all messed up, but i'm not saying that depression is of God. i know it's not. just that... God knows.
silence is what i speak now. i no longer have words. there has to be some way to get all of this out. it builds in me, this rage of feelings, and stays sitting in my stomach heavy as a stone. if i can't cry (because i used up all my tears long ago), and if i can't cut (because i don't want anything to do with that), and if i can't listen to music, and if i can no longer speak... then what do i do with this?
your words, they hurt my ears. but i'm still listening.
i love you always
*bex