watch the days go by
i slept practically the whole day today. woke up this morning, went to my lit class and came back home. everything feels so wrong and yet i don't know what to do to make it better. i'm in this same position of not knowing what i can/cannot tell my father, and whether any of it will even make things better (because it never has before). because i came home from john's last night and he (my father) was sitting in the living room, waiting up for me, and i just wished that he wasn't there. but of course he wanted to know if "something happened?" and what do i say to that? how about "well yes actually john and i didn't make out but sometimes he kisses my cheek or my arms or sometimes even my NECK and then i spazzed out for awhile and sat there crying and he held me and i told him that i need things to be different sometimes and do you also know, dad, that a few years back my swim coach did all kinds of weird stuff to me and guess what i've never forgotten it but i never told you and i think now i'll go find something to cut with." (which is what i did.) but no, all i could do was shrug and say "no" because it's all too overwhelming. but it hangs over me like a storm cloud and i just want out. please would someone help me out here, i just want to know that i'm ok and that my dad would still love me even if i ended up... i dont know, pregnant or something. (which i won't, but its a hypothical statement.) and so i slept, because today life is too much to handle. i got up to read a little for my exam tomorrow, and then i slept again. i got back up again to wash dishes for my mum and then slept again. somewhere in there i ate so much food that it makes me sick to think of it, i'm so fat and i have to stop. i have to lose weight, at least 10 lbs. because this is just sickening.and more than anything i wish i always had my john nearby to hold me close and rock me when i'm crying. he's the only one who's ever done that for me. and if i lost him, what would i do?
fading,
*bex