somewhere far away
so...i skipped 2 of my classes today. the first one i skipped because i needed to study for my test afterwards (which i hope wasn't a mistake but i think i did well on the exam so that seems alright), and the second one because i had a splitting headache and i couldn't make myself stay any longer. it was horrible, today i did everything so wrong. i couldn't concentrate, i just didn't care and i want to but i don't know how to make myself. all i think of is sleep. i ate so much too, it makes me cringe to think of it, i feel as though i can see the pounds growing upon me.and i don't know where to go from here. my mum is upset with me for sleeping, she says the reason i'm depressed is because i'm tired but i'm NOT tired. merely sad, too sad to stay awake and deal with reality. she says i can stop cutting if i try. she doesn't know that i do try, that its a constant fight and sometimes i lose. she told me also that i don't care about my family, which isn't at all true. it's just that i'm walking around in a glass box here, separated from them all and yet trying to reach past it, trying to see them and love them and still i can't ever get close enough. i desperately want someone to understand. i want my mum to see how hard i'm trying just to make it. someone pull me out of this mess and tell me i'm alright. tell me it'll be ok someday.
"the foamy wavelets curled up to her white feet. she walked out. the water was chill, but she walked on. the water was deep, but she lifted her white body and reached out with a long, sweeping stroke... she went on and on... she did not look back now, but went on and on, thinking of the bluegrass meadow that she had traversed when a little child, believing that it had no beginning and no end. her arms and legs were growing tired... exhaustion was pressing upon and overpowering her. 'goodbye -- because i love you.' he did not know; he did not understand. he would never understand. perhaps dr. mandelet would have understood if she had seen him -- but it was too late; the shore was far behind her, and her strength was gone."
--kate chopin