happy happy beppy

sometimes i can catch a breath of air and it pulls me up, makes me imagine that someday things will be alright, just like everyone tells me. but in the end i always lose it and here i am again. pain doesn't go away just because you hide from it. i say fading because one by one things are starting to not matter anymore, as they have been for months and months but it's come down to the bare minimum. i'm returning to a state of numbness because i'm so tired of having to dig down deep for feeling, and even then only coming up with things i'd rather forget. and it echoes in my mind over and over, that i can't and it can't be done. just let me crawl away to some dark space and forget all that i'm trying to hide.

my mum told me that all i ever do is: sleep, go to class, and chill with john. which is true, i guess. but once again she doesn't understand, and how can i expect her to? she just doesn't know....

i haven't cut in a week. exactly one week today, and i don't know how i did that. for awhile there it was that i was really trying not to, but lately i just don't care. or not today, anyway. i suppose that last time, cutting 8 different places all at once, maybe that was enough to last me for a week. john told me -- that same night that he asked me if i'd go out with him -- that my scars would still be with me the day i wore my wedding dress. i can't explain the pain of hearing that, the sickening feeling it brought to my stomach and i pulled up and away from him, out of shame and pain. but he held onto me, wouldn't let me go, and said he was sorry, and that he loves my arms no matter what. i know he meant it, but truth is, it's me that has to see these arms every day. me that has to stand in front of a mirror and look at the red and purple crisscross patterns over my arm and wrist and wonder if the scars/pain will ever fade. on my wedding day will people see a tainted bride? i can say it doesnt matter but it's pointless -- deep down i know it does.

john's here. :) (i love this boy!)

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