don't you smile anymore
sometimes i think i'll never be a nurse. i'm almost through my first semester of college and graduation seems an eternity away. i don't want tomorrow to come, i don't want the choices i'm faced with each day. i don't want to have children because... well i saw that movie, the Ring, and in it the mother kills her daughter, attempts to suffocate her and then throws the body down the well (the girl is still alive, but the mother doesn't know that, meaning the girl actually dies down in the well). the girl was possessed or something, but the mother loved her, honestly loved her, and yet the mother was going insane. so she killed her daughter. she was just a little girl. and... well i won't say now why that scene in the movie was more disturbing to me than any other one, and i won't explain now how exactly that connects to me. it's obvious. and frightening.it's been 9 days. no cutting in 9 days. how long can i keep this up. and why am i holding onto pain as i know i am? sometimes i feel better and then i remember things that bring my head down in the dust again. so that means, i don't know if i'm making myself falsely happy and then just realizing the truth again, or if i'm actually doing better and then just digging up pain for the heck of it. and it's all of this in one, pain and loneliness and uncertainty and love and hope numbness pain pain pain. i can't separate it and i can't get around it.
my father came home from spending 5 days in florida and didn't hug me or even say hi to me. i'm sure he just didn't realize it but it burns me all the same. it doesn't matter.
in 3 days i go to the psychiatrist. and then all of the ambivalence will disappear and it will only be a forcing of pain and memories and secrets out into the open where i can't regain them. ever. sometimes i wonder if i'll have the strength.