erase the evidence of pain
look, it's not so simple as you make it. i'm tired of always being told to talk. tired of always being told that i'm not trying. it makes me somewhat angry but more than anything it just hurts. because she doesn't understand. she asks me why i cannot freakin' talk to her if i can talk to everyone else, regardless of my pointing out that i hardly talk to anyone anymore. you talk to john, she said, and your friends online. bitterly, as if she hated the fact. but what she doesn't know is that i don't trust her now, i can't trust her now. i feel that i've tried so many times. everytime i speak, i end up getting too close, opening up too much, spilling some tears for the fact. and that gives her the right or maybe just the chance to soon enough say things that cut too deep. i'm sorry, mum. sorry that i can't pour my soul out to you. it's because i'm so selfish, i ask for too much and i'm just selfish, selfish, selfish. just a freakin' selfish b****. but i suppose you already know that. i'm horrible to you, i know. and i am without even trying. i can't take the anger and the pain of your words, you telling me to shut up -- and i do. but that makes you angry as well.please stop pushing so hard. i can't hold up much longer. i'm afraid of you now, all you're seeing is this mask, not the reasons behind it. because i can't stand to hear this pain transformed by your words into something so trivial as "pouting" when all along you have no clue what i've been fighting. "the soul has bandaged moments..." and this is one of mine.
please don't leave me, not you too. i'm trying so hard to be good enough for you to love me. trying so hard to speak. if only you could hear what i'm saying when i'm not saying it.