watch it crumble
slept the day away today. it's been awhile since i've done that, believe it or not, but i was too overwhelmed today by the realization that i am a sick, sick person. i curled up in bed and escaped into sleep; no one bothered me or woke me up and i stayed there, asleep, until maybe 4:30 this afternoon. i probably would still be there right now except that if my mum had come home from work to hear that i was still asleep she'd probably have a cow, so i got up. i didn't feel any better, so i went on a walk, not really caring that it's freezing out. i walked aimlessly, up and down streets, until i could see the highway; i thought of walking all the way to john's house but it would have taken hours and i didn't have the energy. there were too many people, too many cars, and i was shriveled up inside, asking myself where i could go. where the freakin heck can i go from here. i felt so lost and couldn't remember which way home was. things started going fuzzy in my mind, as they often do now, and i when i saw a big puddle of water left from yesterday's rain, i saw only the reflections in the water instead of the water itself, and for a fleeting moment thought i might drown in it. cut my forearm in eight places when i finally found my way home, for no reason other than that i feel desperate. i have to get out.and i know there's more to it than this, i know i'm hoping for SOMETHING more, otherwise i don't think i'd still be here, alive. i'm ok, i'm ok; someone please tell me i'm ok.
yes, i know i ask too much of you. who am i to demand your love? no one, and i don't deserve you, i don't deserve any of you. look at you, you're amazing, and i'm not sure why you're still holding out your hands to me. sometimes i want to ask you to leave because it's not fair, the things i'm doing to you, the way i'm asking for things i don't deserve. and you can't pay any attention to me, pay no attention to my words, i'm messed up, i am so freakin messed up and i can't stand to watch myself hurt you the way i know i do.
i'm so sorry. someday, i'll be good enough for you. someday, if someday is never.
happy birthday, my blair! i love you so much, chick, you've done so much for me. i'm so glad we've gotten to know each other, you make me laugh and you take away some of the pain although you're so many miles away. i honestly don't know how you do it; you're definitely an amazing, one of a kind person. keep dreaming, keep hanging in there, i know you can make it no matter what. and just know that you're one of those friends that i don't deserve -- you're amazing, blair.
life is beautiful if you go through it with your eyes closed.