it comes down to this

:::woke up slow this morning to quiet walls and a sunlight flood. this place it seems so empty and everything except for this wait has left me. try not to dwell on this time. how long can it last? hold your breath and close your eyes. the pain will pass. try to rise above the distance of all that you want and soon you'll know the why. why and for what. for the sake of a love like no other. for something we've never known. for the hope of another chance at happiness. we forsake. i've watched the colors fade where windows cast their shape. the same way i have changed in the light of these dark days. i believe in happiness and in love that never fails but the longer i wait here the more they just feel like a fairy tale. i need you to save me. you seem beyond a stones throw. helpless hands tied. i try but this garden's overgrown on the inside. try to rise above the distance of all that i want and remember the why. why and for what::: -- brandtson

the time to let go, i think, is now. time to face fears and put them away for good. winter doesn't last forever and i've been sleeping for far too long. i'm so afraid of breathing.

if i've discovered something, i'll speak the words that i've explained to no one -- not even the therapist (especially not the therapist): i feel that i don't deserve to get better. that's the core of it, i think. yes, there is the fear, of the uncertain and of letting go, but it's more the problem of self-loathing, in a way. every time i close my eyes i see these bloodstained hands and i'm so tired of holding on, clinging to my failure. i need God, i need His arms around me and i need to let myself feel again so that i can feel Him, i am so desperate for that. yet i don't ask, i can't ask because i'm so afraid of my own shame. how could anybody want me?

in my head i know the truth, but it can't find its way to my heart. i need to believe in love again. "hold your breath and close your eyes. the pain will pass.... i need You to save me."

God i need you to save me.

i love you all so very much,

*bex

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