intoxicated with the madness * i'm in love with my sadness....?
i'm having another bout with insomnia. it's raining outside, pouring actually, and there's thunder on and off. daisy is half-asleep on the floor here next to me, but she's afraid of loud noises so she keeps waking up. at least that means i'm not alone in my sleeplessness.... speaking of insomnia, doc hillner said to let him know (before i leave for christmas break) if this sleeplessness doesn't stop. because there are "things" he can do for that. oh, like what. dope me up on even more medicine?.... i'm sorry, i know i sound rude. i just...it's all too much.i'm ok, really i am. just had a bit of an overwhelming day. i woke up feeling bad, felt that way all day. it was a let down from yesterday's high, though i'm not sure what brought that on either. i'm stocked up with enough zoloft to last me through christmas -- actually, at the rate i'm taking it, it's probably enough to last me through the next year.... doc hillner decided that he would call my dad and ask my dad to make sure i take my meds every day. that's the same thing that debbie the therapist told me last week -- that she was planning on calling my dad also. but either she didn't, or my dad forgot about it, because a week has passed and he's said nothing about my meds. i'm not sure what would happen if he actually did start trying to make me take it. it's not something i want to think about.
john and i went out with turtle and beth tonight on a double-date of sorts. i guess that's what you'd call it. we went to the park to see the christmas lights, and i sat with john on a curb at the side of the parking lot, saying nothing and willing myself to slip into utter silence. but i can't, i won't let myself; that's what relationships are all about -- reaching when you don't feel like it and speaking when you despise the words. loving when you'd rather hurt. i watched beth and turtle tonight, walking around the park together, talking and holding hands, and remembered what it feels like to be there at the very start of a relationship, unaware of all the hard times ahead and instead just enchanted for the moment by this person in front of you. the beauty of that innocence. and yes, i know for a fact that love grows with the trials -- that it isn't true love until it's tried and tested. yet it's that innocent love that's traded for something deeper, something more powerful, as love progresses; in the wake of finding love that is true, the innocence is lost, and the simplicity with it. there's no moving backward, i know. i have what i've got and i cherish it so much, i'd never trade it.
but sometimes i do. i miss that innocence.