breathing underwater
"we'll be old enough to know better. young enough to pretend. this is the last of my letters till i see you again."i have that song stuck in my head.
yesterday was john's and my 2-month anniversary. well, officially 2 months anyway; in reality, if you count the unofficial months, it'd be more like our 10-month anniversary. somewhere around there. but we spent most of the day together, went to see a movie together and then out to dinner. and on top of all that, he gave me the ring he bought for me. it's so beautiful, platinum and diamonds but not gaudy or too flashy. john knows what i like... gosh i love that boy. he's so amazing. =)
so that was yesterday, and then today i spent the day painting a house with turtle, dave, and esta, earning a little extra cash there. i went to the doctor too, which turned out like always, except that now he's stressing the idea of in-patient treatment even more. and he asked if i wanted to take more medicine, like something else in combination with the zoloft (we all know what my answer to that was). i think i'm doing alright though -- not feeling so great today, but better i think.
the ignite conference that i went to was so amazing, as i think i've already said. but it was, so many things happened that are hard for me to put into words. i saw my dad worship God like i never have before. dancing and singing, and the look upon his face brought tears to my eyes. on this one song he was even jumping around with everyone else like a hyper teenager at a punk rock show. it was awesome, i don't think i'll ever forget it...
there were other things too, so many things i learned, but i'm not sure i understand it all yet. for the first time in so long i started to believe again that God loves me. i'm fighting to hold on to that truth now. all the lies want to come crowding back in, but i've tasted that glimpse of hope and it's enough to keep some light in my eyes.
and i'm realizing that it's ok to mess up as long as you keep trying. sometimes i feel like all i do is fall, deeper and deeper, and i think i can't fall any further until i fall again. endless cycle. and i've hated myself for it; in so many ways, i still do. there was one night at the conference where i was ready to slash my arms up, i was so upset. and so frustrated with myself, at the fact that i just want to be good enough and yet i seem to keep screwing up. that's when christy told me that it's ok to fail, as long as you don't stop trying. she's right. i know she is; i'm trying to make myself believe it. as superchic[k] says, "if i get up i might fall back down again, so let's get up c'mon. if i get up i might fall back down again, we get up anyway." and i am, getting up and trying again.
i don't have to be "good enough." in Christ i've been made perfect, and He'll never see me any differently.
God i love you. God i need you. You've been so good to me, past everything.
all my love.....*bex