you learn something new every day
at the hospital, they told me that "you can't fake your way into this place." but (and they didn't tell me this, i just know it for fact) you CAN fake your way out. maybe that's what i did. i'm not sure. because i'm having a hard time determining what's real and what's not. part of me is so glad to be home, relieved like the way you feel after coming up for a breath of air when you're swimming too long underwater. the other part of me wants to go back to the hospital, as much as i dread the thought. now what's wrong with that picture? so contradictory. there's something about being there though that's so simple, so protected and undisturbed. and then they toss you back out into the real world where your problems are waiting for you.there were so many people there at the hospital whom my heart went out to. one lady was being divorced from her husband after 37 years of marriage, and she felt all alone. another woman had been sentenced to prison for 10 years for substance abuse; she has a granddaughter who is 5 years old now, and this grandma was living with the realization that by the time she had served her time in prison, her little granddaughter wouldn't be so little anymore. so many stories that broke my heart. and yet as soon as i left that place (and even before) i had to make such a conscious effort to distance myself from these people and their problems. because, as selfish as it sounds, these things are every man to his own. and you can care, but when you care too much you'll be stuck there forever. i could write about that. i think i will.
i was having lunch with my dad today and was shocked to hear that he of all people can comprehend my struggle about wanting/not wanting to be back at the hospital. i never thought i'd hear him say that that makes sense, but he did. and to go further, he told me that last sunday he felt so depressed by my being in the hospital that he didn't even want to get out of bed. he keeps telling me how glad he is to have me home. i hadn't known that it mattered that much to him.
and i feel empty, like i'm holding the ocean within me, it's vastness and its depth. that's paradoxical; how can you feel empty when you feel so full. and yet it's possible, because i do.
let me dream now one more time before i hit the floor.