only hope
my sister is driving me crazy at the moment. every time she gets upset she refers to my cutting, as if i do it for the sole purpose of doing something wrong. she doesn't understand at all. i shouldn't listen to her, i know her words are ill-said and hastily chosen, but they hurt deep all the same. couldn't be a better time to have my own room. *sigh of relief.*i'm feeling so tired tonight of everything, though i'm not sure why. i'd blame it on the meds but i haven't taken them since yesterday so i guess that's a false accusation. is it wrong to long for someone to hold my soul. is that so much to ask. there are people who will hold me in their arms but never can they touch me deep enough to shake the pain. don't tell me; i know --only God can do that. but the waiting is hard and i'm flinching at the impact of the fall. i'll hit the bottom so hard. and yet i know God is worthy of praise, and i'm telling my heart to worship Him.
i want to be someone i'm not; someone better. something beautiful. not in the cheap definition of beauty that the world supplies but truly beautiful. i want to love you the way i should.
i want to stop being afraid to live life as myself.
i need you, wherever you are, i need you so much. please don't give up on me.
and i need You. i need You.
"There is a sun that's inside of my soul, it's the one that I've tried to write over and over again...I'm awake in the infinite hope, but you sing to me over and over and over again. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours, I pray to be only yours...I know now you're my only hope. Sing to me the song of the stars, of your galaxy dancing, and laughing and laughing again... when it feels like my dreams are so far, sing to me of the plans that you have for me, over and over again. So I lay my head back down, and I lift my hands and pray to be only yours, I pray to be only yours... I know now you're my only hope."
--mandy moore