eat french fries!
that paxil is making me dead tired. i slept most of today, i didn't even want to but it's what i ended up doing because it's all i COULD do. hopefully the drowsiness will go away after awhile.... i'm having some anxiety about my writing class. we have to write stories for the class to critique. ooh sounds like fun huh. because i write myself into my stories and so if people critique them then they're really critiquing me. my mum says this is ok, she says if they don't like my stories then it's their loss. but no, it's really not.my resolution at the moment is to find a way to stop cutting. i talked to my therapist about that this afternoon. she in turn asked ME what i could do instead, which seemed dumb according to the fact that i had just asked HER what i could do instead. not much help there. so she tried to help me come up with a list of things i can do instead of cut. it's even kind of funny to me:
"When I'm Upset I Need To..."
1.) talk to someone (aka John)
2.) write in my journal
3.) go for a walk
4.) read something enjoyable
5.) do homework
6.) remember to be self-protective as I would be protective of someone else
the weird thing about it is that i usually DO those things, they just don't relieve the pain enough. the last one was what we talked about the most. debbie asked me if one of my younger sisters was upset, if i would cut her arm for her. that's really sick if you think about me dragging a razor across little grace's arm. so i was like, no of course i wouldn't do that. and she said, even if it would help them? and i said, how could that possibly help them? and she said, well you say that it helps YOU. and i was caught there because she was right. but it's difficult to be protective of myself. she pointed out that the Bible says to love your neighbor as you love yourself. that's what's hard for me -- loving myself. so i'm supposed to be attempting to protect myself. i really want it to work. i want to believe i'm lovable.
i started group with dr. walker yesterday. i was so scared going there, not knowing what to expect. but it was all women in the group, most of them about my mum's age or older, and two of them in their 20's, closer to my age. one of the girls, heather, she's 21 and she was telling us her story. when she was 14 she started to IV heroine. then her boyfriend broke up with her and she started drinking alchol. she'd drink everyday until she passed out. she was raped a year ago when she was drugged up, she doesn't even know who did it to her. something became wrong with one of her teeth and she started stealing painkillers from a pharmacy and forging a doctor's signature. that's a federal offense and so now she's facing prison time if she's convicted. she goes to court on friday i think. what's hard about it is that she's doing so much better now after getting help. she doesn't drink anymore, she doesn't do drugs, she's going to school to become a doctor. i don't think she deserves prison time; she's trying to hard to get her life back together. dr walker wrote a letter to the judge explaining heather's predicament and asking if the offense can be lowered to a misdemeanor to avoid the prison time. i hope more than anything that it works...anyway i didn't say much during group but everyone was so nice to me and made me feel welcome. i think i'll go back again next week.
it's hard to imagine how much some people hurt, it's hard to understand how they can live through it. i don't know everything and if i did i don't think i'd be able to endure it. that's part of life, i know. i look forward to heaven so much.