leaving navasota

i love john so much. if you don't know him, don't really know him, then it's hard to understand, but he's one of the most lovable people i've ever met. everything about him -- delicious. =) and i'm becoming addicted to him.

i'm so behind in school right now; i missed a week of it while i was in the hospital and couldn't read because the sedatives they gave me messed up my eyes. so now i'm out and i have some major catching up to do. my problem is that i've gotten to the point now where i can't study without john around. i literally can't. pathetic, isn't it. and yet i'm feeling so down, he's the only thing that makes me feel better at times, and without him sitting there by my side, my mind wanders to pain and attmepting to study is futile. so i spent most of the weekend with him, studying. like i said, i'm an addict.

but there's something beautiful in being able to love someone so easily and completely as i can love him. something comforting in knowing that that person knows your ultimate secrets (and i mean, all of them) and loves you even more for knowing. something about those arms that you can fall into and never quite fall back out of even though you may be apart. the safety of being loved in return.

so now it's today and i'm struggling for sanity again. woke up this morning to desperation and slept through my first two classes, got up just in time to make it to my exam at 11:30. i am so sick of this pain. when does it find it's end? i want so much to know. everyone has told me countless times to just give it up and now that i actually have, it chooses to stay. and wreak havoc in my life. i can't fight the pain behind my eyes and the tears that come because everything hurts. in words that i can't describe. i feel as though...well, its like: in my head i can see this landscape, so far and empty, gray, and sometimes there's a wind. sometime's there's no wind at all. i stand alone in the middle of it and i could run but no matter how far i run i'd find nothing. no matter how loud i screamed for help...nothing. it's the essence of hopelessness. and i'm attempting to make it tonight without john, just to know that i can do it, just to make myself. but i need him with me so much.

God i'm so desperate for You. Your promises are an anchor; i know You won't let go.

i'm worried about my beth, too. she's really one of the prettiest people i know, and yet she can't see it. she eats nothing anymore. turtle came into my room one night when i was almost asleep and told me to pray for her, that he was worried because when he holds her she shakes so bad. more than anything i wish i could change her eyes so she could see who she really is, so she could understand her own beauty.

turtle and i -- that hurts too. because we used to be so close, best friends really. and something pushed us far apart; my sadness, i think. he doesn't like to be sad, he doesn't like people to be sad. and he doesn't like to not know what to do about things. so he does what he knows and knows what he wants and he gets through alright. i miss him though, i really do miss him so much. i have john now and turtle has beth, and we still love each other, of course, but we live under the same roof and go our separate ways. maybe someday if i can get out of this then we'll find each other again.

say farewell to the dreams you thought you had. it'll be over and you'll breathe again.

i swear to you, someday you'll breathe again.

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