and i feel that far away
i really can't stand this university sometimes. all it takes is one little thing, like wearing big pants, and you've got a whole class of 200+ people staring at you. which could be fun if i liked attention, but i don't, not really. i prefer to slip in silently... another thing that happened today: i have my book bag, the black one with the red star on it, and it has all kinds of pins (button-type pins) across the strap. and they're weird things like care bears and spongebob and mxpx and things that say "i love nerds" or whatnot. so today i was walking to one of my classes, cutting between buildings, and this older man gives me a funny look, stops in front of me and goes "what are all of these?" as he was pointing to the pins on my bag. so i was like, "uh...they're pins." and he just looked at me weird, so i thought maybe he was an international who didn't speak english very well (because there are quite a few of those at A&M). so i said it again, slower this time, trying to think of how you explain what a "pin" is. but then he goes, "just for decoration?" and i was like, "yeah," as i thought, he's not foreign after all. and then he goes, "i've never seen any like those before. where did you get them?" and so i said, "at the mall" because i didn't want to have to explain places like hot topic to him. some people just don't know how to take it. and i didn't laugh because i didn't want to hurt his feelings, but it was funny to me... the other thing that happened today which isn't nearly as amusing is that my bottle of big red spilled inside of my bag, and it happened while i was sitting in my psych class, so i couldn't just get up and take my bag to the bathroom and dry it out with some paper towels. i had to sit through an hour of class first. the whole time i was holding my bag on my lap at an angle, hoping my books weren't getting soaked and hoping the big red wouldn't leak out all over my jeans. well...it didn't leak out on my pants, but it DID leak out all over the floor. i looked down halfway through class and there's a big red puddle underneath my chair. and i was like, oh sheesh, because what can you do about that? once again 200+ people were probably staring and thinking, look at the idiot girl in the big pants with big red running out of her bag....ah well. in the end it doesn't even matter.something more important -- i've been thinking about my friend heather, from group therapy. i wrote some stuff about her awhile back, but she really is such a sweet girl. after that one night where i was hearing voices, she gave me her phone number and told me to call her anytime night or day and she'd come pick me up if i needed to be with someone. she's just real cool like that, and always encouraging people, giving hugs to all the ladies in group, things like that. last week after group i was sitting outside with her while she smoked and she said something that hit me. she said, in reference to being psycho, "either you can decide this is your thing and deal with it and move on, or you can spend the rest of your life in a psych ward." (this was the same day that i ended up going back into the hospital.) but it's so true, what she said, because it IS all a matter of facing it. this, the depression and hopelessness and whatnot, isn't just something i can ignore. and that's what i so often want to do with it, just "wait for it to pass." well wake up, bex. it doesn't just pass. it stays until you're ready to be through with it, until you're ready to fight it and KEEP fighting it and not stop. and then sometimes it stays anyway. but the moment you give up is the moment you're resigning yourself to that life in the psych ward. and that's not the life for me. i know God's got so much more out there. so heather is awesome.
now i'll talk about something totally different, and it hope it doesn't offend anybody. if it does, i'm sorry, i really am. but it's something i've been thinking about. i despise taking a shower, i hate it really, because i hate to see myself naked. there's that moment when it's just you, alone, and you stand in front of a mirror and see this body that you've got, and you evaluate yourself and what you think of yourself. for me that's one of the most painful things. really, it almost makes me feel sick to see myself that way. and i stand there, seeing scars and bones sticking out in the wrong places and fat sticking out in other wrong places and i just hate it all so much. so many times i stand there and wish with all i've got for a different body. a different stomach or a different set of hips, different legs or arms or butt or breasts, different face, different everything. and other times i stand there and just wish that i could like what i've already got. either way, wishes are only that -- wishes -- and they hurt. so nakedness is painfulness and i'd rather do anything than look.
"cause after all you'd think it'd be the fall but it's the getting up that hurts..."
i love you all so much