lingering
don't do this to me please. i know you despise me just because i have hope. just because i *want* to get better, am i not good enough for you? you tell me to hang in there, you tell me to keep going, but as soon as i show signs of leaving this pain behind, you've dumped me. this place we're hiding is dark and you want to keep me here with you. listen to me when i say i'll always be here for you, but i will not stay here with you. i won't let you drag me down. the more scars i show on my skin, the more you will love me. and i'm sick of it, because it's not love, not love at all. i believe in pain, but i believe in hope, and i believe in a God who loves me. don't hate me for it. i care so much about you.something is wrong with my brother's heart. it's beating too fast, way too fast, and my mum called an ambulance in the middle of the night. the doctors don't know what's wrong with him; he's been at the hospital all day. and i'm trying not to worry but of course i am.
i'm worried about beth too. she eats nothing anymore. and she's so beautiful, if she could only see...
i'm afraid of failing my classes this semester. i'm afraid that i'll never be able to stop cutting, even 20-30 years from now. i'm afraid that if i someday have children, i won't be able to function as a mother. i'm afraid of feeling sad forever. i'm afraid of missing my chance at love. i'm afraid that i will never be good enough for my parents. i'm afraid that i'm not a good friend to people that i love. i'm afraid of writing the stories that are waiting inside of me. i'm afraid of being fat. i'm afraid of being nobody. i'm afraid that i have brought this depression upon myself. i'm afraid that i won't be able to undo whatever it is that i've done to cause it. and all my fears amount to nothing.
today is john's and my 4-month (official) anniversary. which in reality means that we've been together for a year. :) i love him so very much.
you seem beyond a stone's throw...helpless hands tied...