totally plastered
well i am absolutely doped up at the moment. yesterday dr. walker doubled my effexor dose and quadrupled my resperidal dose. i slept 11 hours last night and woke up this morning exhausted AND had the hardest time staying awake through my classes today. hopefully my blasted body will get used to this, otherwise i'm going total zombie.debbie-the-therapist and i had a good talk yesterday. we somehow got on the subject of God, and she told me that God is right here with me. that no matter what, He won't leave me. which i know, but it's hard to feel that sometimes isn't it? so it felt good to be reminded. we talked about my lack of friends and the pressure that my dad is putting on me to have lots of new friends. i think i can do that, but not right now, which debbie agreed was probably true. depression has its way of making a void between you and everyone else. sometimes you can get past it (like i have with john, for instance) and other times you just can't and you have to put it off for awhile.
she asked me too what i thought about sin and why some things are sin while others aren't. i had to think about that for a minute, but i told her that sin consists of things that either hurt you or hurt someone else. the point of all this being that as i'm making my own decisions, that's the criteria i should be using -- will it hurt me or someone else in any way? this was a self-revelation for me because as i've said at some point before, i never really felt that cutting was morally wrong. BUT if you look at it through this definition of sin, then heck yeah it's wrong. so that makes some conflict in my mind. the good news is, i haven't cut in 2 days. it's not much but it's a start, isn't it?
my birthday is coming up soon and everyone is asking what i want. but i can't thinking of anything, not really, nothing they can give me. i want to see all of you. i want to feel better. i want to laugh till i cry. i want to eat mcdonalds french fries.
"...and i won't bleed until you're gone. i don't understand your actions."