tainted
yesterday was my john's birthday. how cool is that? twenty now, everything seems to be going by so quickly. so here's to my best friend, my "favorite," my angel, my love, my confidant and my soul mate and the all-around sexiest guy in the world -- cheers! here's to hoping your next year is your best yet. i love you so much, sugar, you're beautiful beyond words. (you'll always be my only one.) xoxoluke had surgery on his tailbone. poor baby; he said it was a "pain in the butt." lol what a dork. i miss him so much.
debbie talked to me today about having some place to put pain. about having an imaginary drawer of sorts where you keep pain, and coming everyday and taking that pain out and looking at it, realizing it, crying over it, for about half an hour. and then putting that pain back into the drawer, closing it, and going on with your day. i wonder if its possible. right now i'm building walls around myself, killing any seed of feeling and emotion. i'm pushing everyone away because if i speak then i have to think and if i think then i have to feel and if i feel then i hurt and when i hurt it becomes overwhelming. even the numbness in itself seems painful; i felt so low for most of today, so much so that i couldn't concentrate. i stood in my room and cried and pleaded with God to show Himself. blair promised me that He's close (and i believe her) and i only want to feel that. but the pain stayed.
and it's weird now -- like a storm clearing away, all at once, leaving only a blue sky behind -- the pain's faded. it comes, it goes, it turns me inside out, but i haven't lost hope. like a tree, blown sideways by the wind, twisted and gray and crushed, but never uprooted. (thanks, blair.) it's ok, it's alright.
hold your breath and close your eyes; the pain WILL pass.
i love you all so much