time of your life
turtle graduates tonight. that's nice, eh? we had a party for him last night, our house overflowing with people sitting around eating and talking and eating some more. it was nice, it was lovely, like parties always are. i don't care much for them at all.but he graduates tonight, and that's a big step for him. he has a stole to wear with his gown, a white one with the words "magna cum laude" stitched on one side. with high honors. so he's done well; i'm proud of him...and yet the whole thing makes me uneasy in some strange way. it's been a year, almost exactly, since i graduated, walked along that stage and shook a million hands and took my diploma. even at the time it didn't mean much to me; i felt nothing as i walked the stage. graduation is boring, everyone knows that -- especially if you're the one who's graduating -- but this was something more than that. i just wanted it all to be over -- high school, the whole experience of it; i just wanted out. i wanted that so badly at the time.
and now a year has passed and at times i don't feel much different. that night i graduated was one of the first steps down into a spiraling descent, only the beginning. why? i question it all the time....so yes i'm happy for him, yes i'm proud of him, but it's painful too.
memories too often are, it seems.
there are other things too that are getting me down, frustrating me to the point that i sink into darkness and my vision begins to blur. inside i rage. i can't make sense of anything and it hurts too much and at times i don't even try. but i don't feel like talking about any of that.
fat cow, fat cow, fat cow. you're such a pig.
don't love me. i don't deserve it.