blindsighted
and could you find it in your heart to make this go away, and let me rest in pieces?i don't have words. sometimes i wonder if i should just stop talking altogether. when i was in the hospital, the first time, i stopped talking for quite some while. most questions i wouldn't answer at all, and answers that i did give were presented in whispers as soft as can be imagined. one of the therapists there turned to me one day in group and whispered to me, do you always talk like this? a half smile filled her face as the words spilled from her mouth and my heart cringed at the mockery. i never did like her after that. but even then i didn't speak, and it was days later until i did. by that time my mouth felt foreign to me, as though i couldn't remember the words, how to make the sounds and the shapes of the letters with my tongue. in high school when we read i know why the caged bird sings, we learned about maya angelou, how she stopped speaking for such a long time after she was raped as a child. i can't remember how long; a year at least, maybe longer? and at times that amazes me and yet it makes so much sense. if i had been her, in that situation, i know i would have done the same.
at this point my heart feels ready to shut down. so much stress, so much...sadness...it seems unbearable. and yet i carry on, not by my own power, i know. i'm just waiting for something, and i'm not sure what, and i'm not sure when it will come or if i'll ever even understand, but i'm waiting and it will be ok.
just let me rest in pieces for now.
i love you all more than words can say.