jezebel
so unbearable, this pain. i'm so tired of trying to fight it. and all of the questions, all of the words, they just make it worse and i feel like i have a golf ball stuck in my throat -- it hurts that much to speak. it hurts to feel. the pain is so great.trying to forget is pointless for me. my mind is a book of blank pages and one by one they're filling up: there you go, you messed up....haha screwed up again, idiot....my gosh you're a loser....can't you ever do anything right?....oh and you said last time was the last time right? think again, stupid....you're so hopeless...every single mistake written in blood, written in sweat and in pain. this book is never-ending; it seems to stretch on forever. every sin, every falter, recorded not once but twice, then again, over and over again. i want to scream at the nightmare of it all. i believe in love, yet will i ever be able to believe that i am truly loveable? inside i burn.
and at times i only have to pass the mirror, to sweep a hand across my skin, before wondering if love is as superficial as i'm making it out to be. i want to be pure, but if wishes were horses then beggars would ride: how can a prostitue ever regain what she's sold?
please understand. it's not you, it's only me. because i love you, love you all so dearly, and yet i don't deserve to be able to. i want to love you like you should be loved.
i'm taking a break from life tonight. maybe i'll be back in the morning.