watch the sky with jealous eyes
i talk to you all the time/ the world thinks i'm crazy as crazy is/ and i don't feel much different/ fluorescent lights hum their incessant anthem/ everything i believe and everything that holds me together at the seams/ seems so far away from here/ and we're all wondering where're we going// and i wish my colors weren't so faded/ i wish i didn't feel so cold/ everyone's so slow and jaded/ falling asleep to this midwestern drone// i think about running everyday away from this life i've made/ built to last a little too long/ feeling trapped under my own weight/ too heavy now to stand let alone fly/ and i'm always watching the sky with jealous eyes/ wish i'd finally fall apart/ do something desperate to change things/ changed my mind again just when i was getting brave/ somewhere over this city high above the red brick chimneys/ i know we can escape this/ it feels like fighting gravity--brandtson*****
i'm drifting today. in and out, in and out, this sea of sorrow rinsing over me. it's hard to wake up early in the morning, hard to stumble around and get ready for work when all you want to do is curl up in your bed and cry. and then this afternoon i laid down for only a short nap but then found that i had no motivation to get back up. i stayed there, somewhere between waking and sleeping, and felt that all the weight of my sorrow was sitting upon my chest. it's hurts so bad to be desperate for something you can't define, nor even understand.
lately i feel like i'm living within a dream; everything that happens occurs somewhere between that shadowland of reality and sleep. it gets to the point that i can't tell one from the other. the other day i saw a falling star, and the words to brandtson's "as you wish" (are they special or just broken/ dying or moving on?) played in my head...then the other night i was driving to john's house and my entire head was filled with the sound of white noise, like radio static, blocking everything else out...but for the life of me i'm not sure if these things happened or not. not certain as to whether i dreamed them or actually saw and heard them in the flesh. and what does it matter? as i said, i feel like i'm existing somewhere that can't quite be defined as reality.
i'm so afraid to be loved. i wonder if i'll ever believe i'm worth it. (it feels like fighting gravity.)