you

last tuesday john and i went to fort worth to visit his grandma, who had been on the verge of death for awhile. it was different for me seeing her versus seeing my uncle before he died; she was not so thin and emaciated, and by the time we got there, she was so weak that she no longer had her eyes open, nor could she respond to the people around her. she no longer spoke, she couldn't swallow anymore. it was almost impossible to tell whether or not she was in pain. she was hooked up to an oxygen tank to help her breathing, but even with that her breaths were sometimes sporadic and shallow. beth and i sat up with her until about 4 AM tuesday night, and i was almost sure she wouldn't make it through the night. but she did, and while john and i were out the next morning, she passed away. they told us she went peacefully, with all of her children there in the room with her, and although i know she'll be greatly missed, even those who were closest to her said it was better for her this way. we buried her at 2:00 the next afternoon; no ceremony or anything fancy, just the family and myself, and grandma miriam in her wooden casket. a few words were spoken, some last goodbyes, and she was lowered into the ground. she too has gone home to be with Jesus.

then this morning john's grandpa passed away. i've only met him once, during a time when he came down to college station, because he lives miles away in north carolina. he too died of cancer, just like john's grandma. i wish i had more to say about him; i wish i had gotten the chance to know more of him.

but i suppose no matter how long a person lives there's never enough time to say goodbye.

we went over to my uncle's house today, to spend some time with my aunt and cousins. all things considered, my aunt seems to be doing alright, but i'm sure it's not all as simple as it seems. it was so hard being there. my dad went back into my uncle's bedroom, which is where he had spent his last days, but i couldn't bring myself to do the same. something of him still haunts the memory of that place for me. i'm not sure i'll ever be able to change that. that house feels so empty without him.

my uncle has four kids, the youngest of whom was born handicapped. he's 13 now but he has the body of a 6-year-old, and the physical and mental capacities of someone much younger than even that. he has just recently learned to walk and feed himself. he normally makes sounds instead of speaking in words, and he still wears diapers. so how do you explain to him that his dad has died? God it breaks my heart. my aunt told us that he walks through the house, opening and closing the doors to all the rooms over and over. he's looking for his dad. he knows something's wrong even if he's not sure what; he knows billy's not there anymore. and when he cries, you can tell that he's sad; you can see that his face is sad, even if he can't communicate it. he needs his dad. all anyone call tell him is: "dad went to heaven." and they just keep saying that over and over. it hurts so much seeing it.

my grandma is trying to hold herself together but i can see that it's taking a strain on her. another of my dad's brothers died when he was 16, my grandpa died a few months ago, and now my uncle billy. she is one of the strongest people i know and yet even she is breaking down. i want more than anything to be able to help her but there's not much i can do.

i too am trying to hold myself together. today my aunt kept saying: "billy wanted to go. he wanted to go home. he would stand up and scream, 'Jesus take me home' because he couldn't stand the pain anymore. he was so ready." the morphine did him no good. and i am happy that he is with Jesus now and he has a perfect body and a perfect soul. and i miss him. i miss him. i feel so gray and all this evening i laid in bed, drinking dr pepper and watching TV and trying to distract myself from the pain. so many people loved this man; he had such a big heart and he was so gentle and so strong and he loved so much.

but this makes me cry with tears of happiness instead of sorrow: out of the 8 children in my dad's family (now there are only 6), only my dad and my uncle billy are christians (sandra, billy's wife, is also a christian, but here i'm speaking of my dad's immediate siblings). last monday when my dad and i went to visit billy, my dad told me that he was thinking of sharing the gospel diagram with his sister elizabeth because he felt that she was ready to hear it. she's grown up catholic like the rest of the family but she never really knew God. not until tonight, at least, because my dad sat down with her and shared the gospel with her and she became a Christian. she became a Christian. i keep saying that to myself because it's hard to believe. my dad has been praying for this for so long. and i know if billy were still here this would make him the happiest person in the world. maybe he can see that from heaven, or maybe some angel came and whispered the news in his ear, and now he's rejoicing because he's going to see his sister again someday.

i have written every word that lingers in my soul. thank you all for you prayers and support. you're amazing.

all my love, bex

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