breaking invincible
i cannot hear out of one ear. that's a strange sensation. when i speak or sing, it echoes inside my head. but...that's just random information.i have been off meds for two months now, give or take a little. the amazing thing is, i'm doing fine. debbie tells me this is great; she says to count it as a huge step forward. she also says i need to let myself feel success. but it simply doesn't seem like a big deal to me. more or less i feel somewhat uncertain. autumn comes, then winter, and though i love these cold gray days that we've been having lately, they remind me of things not so long removed. i don't want this winter to be like the last. i don't want to slip into darkness more and more with each cold wind, but this is my first winter "afterward." who knows what will happen. i've been said to have seasonal effective disorder (along with everything else) and i wonder how that will come into play.
but i'm not afraid. i'm not worried. i trust God and take things one day at a time and it will be ok no matter what comes.
i do feel better about being off the meds though.
the retreat last weekend was so amazing. God was so evident there; i don't know a single person there who wasn't touched significantly. we were worshiping late into the night and people's hearts were spilling out openly onto the floor, people were falling on their faces and sobbing and dancing and shouting and there i am leading worship and yet at the same time i wasn't; i was just worshipping along with the rest of them. there was no me and them, just us and God. and i saw so many things of myself that i know i must work through. i saw how my being afraid to be open with people is a form of pride (as well as lack of trust in God). that's a big thing for me, and it's not something i can simply change in an instant. but david grotheim and my dad were speaking about faith, and how true faith is taking such a risk that if God does not come through for you, you will utterly fail. there is no backup plan. there is no maybe. there is trust, and only trust, and that is faith. so i will speak. i will pour out my heart and i will make myself vulnerable and i will trust and yes i'm so very afraid. but even Jesus was afraid at times, wasn't He.
the other great thing about the weekend was hanging out with people, mostly the people in my homegroup. chris and ange i already know, but the rest of them i don't know quite so well. mark, who's got to be one of the most encouraging people i've ever met, who is so on fire for God that you can hear the joy in his voice, who makes me laugh so hard i cry, and who wakes up everyday smiling. dre (dr. dre as we all call him), who called me bec from the moment he met me, who's so laid back and easygoing and just kind and the type of person you always want to be around. cori, our artist, who told me so sweetly that she wanted to hang out with me more. andrea, who will always listen to what you're saying and laugh if you make a joke. dwayne, who has the biggest heart for people and for evangelism. man i'm so blessed by these people.
i'm learning slowly to let myself reach out again. i'll never be the outgoing, happy-go-lucky, popular girl i used to be, but that's ok because i know who i am at this point in time and this is who i'm made to be for now. i'm learning to be ok with myself.
i get down at times and i think about these things, about God and all of you, and how can i do anything but smile? if life is what you make of it, i choose love, and i choose hope.
"the Lord has given and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord." ~job 1:21