feign strong
it hurts to always be open, to always be transparent when you'd rather keep all your thoughts and feelings between yourself -- even between yourself and God, because even that is easier than sharing them with your brother or sister in Christ. it's a rough road to walk and sometimes i'd rather not... but at least you know me.at least when you look at me you can say: "yeah that's bex, she's a PK and sometimes she hates it, she's too much of a perfectionist and she cares too much about people and she worries too much, she has a psycho streak and she spent some time in a mental hospital, she used to cut herself and she used to have an eating disorder (or maybe she still does), she's prone to addiction and sometimes she's too sad, but she's stuck it out and she's come through a lot. she's going to be a nurse because she wants to take care of people and she's going to work with homeless people and she loves kids, she loves people in general, and she cries easily, she laughs easily, she's sort of a dork and she's sort of shy most the time and she usually doesn't have much to say..." at least you could say these things about me, at least you could know them and that makes it feel a little more like being a family of Christians instead of just being strangers who have the same Father. no i don't depend on you, but yes i do trust you. break that trust time and again and i'll still choose to trust you. because you can only know others to the extent that you let yourself be known. is stoicism really all that impressive? vulnerability, openness -- that's true strength. i'm not saying sob your troubles onto the shoulder of every single person you meet; but, everyone knows no one else is perfect. why not let yourself admit it? and if you've admitted it to yourself, to do any less for others is only deception, only a product of our human pride.
my whole life i've said that if you're going to live, do it with your heart on your sleeve -- do it and turn yourself inside out for everyone to see -- and i'll stick with that. i'll stick with it no matter how it hurts (and at times it's hurt like hell), because when it comes down to it, i've never regretted it. community is risky business; true fellowship is risky, but that's the reality that comes with the blessing. you take it, or you leave it...