the twenty-first
things have been hard here. sometimes i don't know why. it's not that everyone's falling apart or anything, and even things that go wrong have had a way of turning out alright in the end. so i'm not sure what it is... i don't feel like talking. i don't feel like being touched, by anyone. in fact i feel like if you touch me i might either cry or slap you -- i'm not sure which. i feel like being stand-offish and cold and uncaring. none of this is like me really at all. but i guess even the things that come the most naturally to a person will wear thin every now and again... i guess it's those in-between times where you have to truly work at it that show who you really are.i miss billy so much. i cannot think of him without crying, so i mostly try to block the thoughts from my mind. but at times i'll be out doing whatever, totally unsuspecting, and it slaps me in the face. i was driving home from john's the other evening; i was singing along with the radio, when i looked up and saw the sunset, all blue and purple and pink with a single bright star shining in the middle of it, and i choked on the words and felt the tears flood me. something inside me screamed his name. i wanted to pull over and park on the side of the road, curl up and sob, but i didn't. i just kept driving, with the pain weighing heavily behind my eyes; i was suddenly exhausted; and i don't know what it was about that sunset but God i miss him so much and it is still so unreal -- at the same time, so horrible.
for now i'm ready to leave town tomorrow and go to my grandmum's for awhile and then to my other grandparents, just for a break from things. give me a few days; this will clear up and i'll be my usual self again. (gosh that could be a scary though, eh? =P)