out of this
"God is too good to be unkind. He is too wise to be confused. If I cannot trace His hand, I can always trust His heart." -- C.H. Spurgeonyesterday morning, as i was driving to church for a little last-minute band practice before the service, i was really having a difficult time. the past few days had been so hard (saturday, for instance), and the same old feelings of failure and loneliness were running laps in my mind. it's always hard for me to go to church and spend time with God when i'm feeling that way, and even harder to be leading worship at those moments. my heart felt so torn, chained down to my own pain and past sins, to pure loneliness and so many questions that sometimes God just doesn't seem to answer. but, even in that short amount of time that i was driving, God spoke to me and put the words of a song on my heart:
everything's changed, and i want to believe
there must be a reason, there just has to be
cause my faith is strong, till it all hits home
and it's not enough for me to trust
when it hurts too much
on the days i feel like i've failed You
the days i feel i've been failed
i need to praise You
for i am Yours, i'm Yours
where is the power, to give what i gave
give back the strength
give back the faith i had yesterday
cause You are my God
You are my Great I Am
and i know i have fallen
but i have landed in healing hands
and in my frailty, You lead me to something more
so i close my eyes, cause inside my heart
i believe that i'm not alone
You'll always be there for me
on the days i feel like i've failed You
the days i feel i've been failed
i know that i need to praise You
for i am Yours, still Yours
cause i believe You lead me to something more
something more, something more
~kristy starling
every time i hear or remember the words to that song, i'm reminded that i need to choose to praise God no matter what. "on the days i feel like i've failed You/ the days i feel i've been failed" -- that makes up almost 100% of the days that i find myself hurting. my worship of God must be continuous because His greatness is not based on anything i do or anything i fail to do, because no matter what, i am His. if i fall, i fall into His hands, and i have found it to be so true that when i choose to focus on Him, He always leads me to something more than anything i can imagine. and that's exactly what God was saying to me: this is not about you. you're focusing on what you can see when there's so much more. in your pain, in your weakness and failures, in your confusion, praise Me. praise Me in Spirit and in truth, with a broken and contrite heart, and you will find yourself in My presence, where grace and healing are abundant. man, God is so awesome! every day i realize this more and more.
dearest friends, i'm speaking to God on your behalf! "be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power..." i love you all!