shadows
"do i expect to change the past i hold inside/ with all the words i say repeating over in my mind/ some things you can't erase no matter how hard you try/ an exit to escape is all there is left to find :: close my eyes/ let the whole thing pass me by/ there is no time/ to waste asking why" ~traptthis is how i've felt, a song that continues to play circles in my head. it's been a rough few days.
last friday was the worst of it. my younger sister has gotten herself into so much trouble. i don't even know how to explain it. partly, it comes from hanging out with the wrong crowd, partly it comes from making bad choices and putting herself in bad situations. and somehow i was caught in the middle of it. for some reason, she likes to tell me her secrets; for some reason, she trusts me. for the longest time, i've been keeping those secrets, not telling them to a soul, not even my closest friends. these secrets started to get deeper. i can remember lying in bed a few weeks ago after she had come into my room and asked me if i would help her with "something." i remember that feeling of helplessness, i remember lying there after she walked out and praying about what i should do, because the truth was that i simply didn't know. part of me wanted to say that no, i should tell my parents about this, that they should know because she's only a kid. but another part of me was saying, at 16-almost-17 she is old enough to make her own choices, and if she wants to get into trouble, that's her decision. i hated that feeling of being torn, but i kept her secrets anyway. she knew i didn't approve of the things she was doing, although that didn't come close to stopping her. that went on for awhile -- how long, i'm really not sure. all i know is that i started to get more and more worried about her, and the more i met the people she hangs out with, the more trips i made to pick her up from strange places, the more "favors" i did for her -- the more concerned i became. friday night i decided she was in way over her head, that this was all becoming dangerous for her. that since she is only 16 and therefore still a kid, and since i'm an adult, i'm responsible for her and for her well-being, whether she thinks so or not. at that point i knew i couldn't keep her secrets anymore, i couldn't help her out in these ways, and hell no i would not lie for her. so i did the only thing i knew to do -- i told our parents. looking back at it i can honestly say it was one of the hardest things i've ever had to do. i hated the words i was speaking even as i was speaking them, i hated feeling that i was betraying her, i was afraid of the havoc that this would create between her and my parents. but more than any of that, i was afraid for her, and that concern won out over everything else. that night sucked big time. i made quite a few trips to the not-so-nice part of town, talked more than i have EVER desired too, got screamed at, got cussed out, so on and so forth. there's a lot i could say about it, but for now i will not.
the worst part of it was her anger. because no, she wasn't mad at anyone -- not even my parents, who were very upset with her -- but me. with me, she was furious. and in those few hours she went from saying over and over how much she loves me, how i'm "the best" and such a cool sister, to telling me she hates me, and that i've ruined her life, and calling me some things i won't repeat here. and i feel used, because when i do what she wants, she "loves" me, but when i don't, she hates me. i feel stupid for getting myself into this situation, i feel gullible for trusting her and i feel naive for always ALWAYS thinking the best of people.... if i were her, i would probably feel the same way -- angry and betrayed.... but it hurt nonetheless.
i am afraid for her, even now. i know that somewhere in her heart, she loves God very much, that she loves people and she even loves me. i know there is so much good in her. but it's hard to see this -- it goes so far beyond just the trouble she has been getting into. she's so unhappy. i don't know why, but it hurts to walk past the open door of her darkened room and see her lying listlessly on her bed, hurts to see the bitterness in her eyes, hurts to watch the way she doesn't really care about anything anymore. that's not her, but i don't know where the real her has gone, and i don't know how to show her how much i really do love her.
still, even though the weekend was hard, and those feelings have carried over into this week and will probably continue to do so for awhile, i know that God is in control. late late friday night, i stood in my room and just cried, and cried out to God (literally). somewhere between then and now, this is the point to which i'm resigned:
"close my eyes. let the whole thing pass me by. there is no time to waste asking why."
and i remember that, when i sit down to spend some time with God; i feel that way, that all i can do is let it go and trust Him with it. there's no point in asking why this is happening.
pray for me, please; pray for wisdom on my part and for extra patience and always love. most of all though please pray for my sister. she needs God so much right now.
i'm off to mark's for our prayer time. you guys will definitely be remembered there! i love you all