i wish you would

i feel that i am coming undone, and i'd rather you not know, because i'd rather you not care. i know that caring is sometimes trouble, and in this case it is much much more trouble than i'm worth.

so i cannot be real.

there is a mirror hanging on the wall, situated so that no matter where you stand, you will see yourself;
four windows with blinds pulled up to let in the faintest trace of moonlight.
a mattress that groans softly from my weight and rises up unkindly to press itself into every inch of fat and bone.
there is a clock that slowly tosses the minutes aside,
and paper that will go untouched,
words that will remain unspoken,
and the room is dark and silent save the whispering of the ceiling fan.
i lie awake and hold myself together to avoid falling apart;
i am no one
and this is nothing
and it is not worth your time nor your effort so please
try to forget that i have said anything
at all. i contradict myself and i know that
with me it is easy come, easy go,
so here i stay because i love you and
you
will
never
see me
without a smile
upon my face.

last & next