watching you now
welcome to the fallout/ welcome to resistance/ the tension is here/ the tension is here/ between who you are and who you could be/ between how it is and how it should be... lately i'm so tired. there are a million things going on, with school and work and church. most of all though there are a lot of people who need help right now, new people coming around and other people going through difficult things and some people just needing help with the daily grind. this time of year is always stressful for college students, and it's all piling up for a lot of people.... on the one hand i feel tired within myself as well. it's not just the demands of taking care of people; there are other things as well. daily i feel that i'm fighting to keep my weight up, fighting to eat and not let myself get dragged down by the same old lies. there's a lot of loneliness, for some obvious reasons, and for some other reasons that maybe aren't so obvious. many times at night i go to bed and just lie there, letting go of my smile which has stayed in place all day, letting every emotion that has been so well kept inside slip out, letting it all go. sometimes i cry, but not usually out of sadness. i'm not sure how to explain it. there is always that sensation of just letting it go, speaking to God about it with or without words, and resting there. that is refuge to me, there in the arms of Christ, and it keeps me going, no matter how tired i become.on the other hand there are so, so many things i am thankful for. my friend kristen has been coming around to church and homegroup again. i love this girl so much. we've known each other our whole lives, grown up in church together all the way through high school, and then just last year when she was a senior in high school/freshman in college, she took a turn for the worse and became someone totally different. i'm still not sure what all happened. i don't think she herself is quite sure. but that in itself makes total sense to me; i don't know exactly what happened to me when my whole world started to collapse. i know only that it did. the point is now, she's ended her relationship with rider, she's no longer drinking or doing drugs, she's moved back in with her parents. most of all, she's coming back to church and showing such an interest in homegroup, making friends there and coming to meetings every week. she has a lot to work through still. i'm not sure she's 100% ready to let go of all she's been through in the past year, but she's moving in the right direction. her heart is open, and opening more and more daily to God again. i'm thankful too especially to chris and mark, two of my good friends from homegroup who have really taken kristen in and made a huge effort to befriend her. the experiences they had before they were christians are very similar to hers. i love that about the body of believers -- the way that every person has a unique personality, gifts, and experiences that make him or her able to reach out to someone in a way that no one else could. God is so awesome! anyway, i'm super happy about having kris back. she's such a great chick... on another awesome note, my sister joy is doing amazingly well lately. i'm not sure what all has happened with her to bring this about, but the last few days especially she's just so happy. every time i look at her i can see it in her eyes -- such a startingly contrast from what i've seen for so long: the sadness and tiredness and general lost bloodshot look rimmed in thick black eyeliner. i'm just so happy to see her like this. last night i went out to buy her some nicotine gum, so she's trying to quit smoking. not that i think smoking is the lowest of the low, but it means she's making an attempt to get things back together in her life. i'm proud of her and i love her smile; she's so beautiful.... two of my other girlfriends have recently quit smoking as well -- both of them are younger than i am -- and i'm so proud of all of them. maybe redemption has stories to tell/ maybe forgiveness is right where you fell/ where can you run to escape from yourself?/ where you gonna go?/ where you gonna go?/ salvation is here...i feel that everything in me is a contrast. i find myself apathetic and yet driven. i find myself to be self-destructive and yet willing to run from it. i find myself tired and yet supported. discouraged yet comforted. distant yet near. ashamed and forgiven. willing to surrender all of it to God and yet so afraid. what am i afraid of? i'm not quite so sure. i would say, afraid of losing control, but i'm only lying to myself if i believe i have any control over these things in the first place. everything in me [the Holy Spirit] is daring me to go, to lay these things completely in spite of fear. pray for me please. i love you all more than words can say. i dare you to move/ i dare you to move/ i dare you to lift yourself up off the floor/ i dare you to move/ i dare you to move/ like today never happened/ today never happened before...