let sleepers lie
john finally talked me into going and checking out the student counseling services up at the university. he's been telling me to do that for -- how long? awhile now, but finally i just went, to make him feel better if nothing else.so i walked there today after my lit class, walked through the rain and the mud, the old famililar taste of anxiety beginning to fill my mouth. i kept my head down, hiding behind my umbrella almost, so that no one would see who i was, as though if they did then it would be obvious to them where i was going. i even walked past one of the girls i know somewhat well from church, but didn't stop to say hi, and (thank goodness) she didn't see me, all i coudl think of was, what happens if she asks where i'm going? and then i'd be stuck, caught like a thief or the kid with his hand in the cookie jar, not knowing how to explain my situation. my heart was beating so fast, i was practically hyperventilating, and i kept telling myself to calm down, it would be ok. finally i made it to the SCS building, paused for a moment before going in, thinking how i didn't have to do it, how i could turn around and walk off and never think about it again.
instead i picked up my feet and forced myself through the doors, feeling panicked and lost and not knowing where i was supposed to go or who to talk to. with a little help i found my way down the dim hall and asked a woman behind a desk for information on the center. she hardly looked at me as she shoved a stack of papers across the counter. i took them and, feeling so foolish and ashamed, sat somewhere a ways off down the hall and read them. read about eating disorders and depression and group therapy, etc etc. somehow none of it seemed real. maybe it's not.
and that's why i'm here now, filling out these pages of forms as i write this, trying to pull together the nerve to go back to the SCS center tomorrow and turn these in, set up an appointment for *myself.* doing it myself, for myself. because i... want to?
i don't know what i'm doing anymore and i'm too tired to make sense of this danger that i'm stepping blindfolded into.