it's ok if you break
yeah so today is my peter's birthday. (happy birthday, babe, you mean so much to me, you're one of my favorite people. thanks so much for everything, you've changed my life more than you can know. don't ever forget how amazing you truly are.*hugs*)******************
today for once i think i've been ok. maybe it's false but i'm taking whatever i can get at this point. yeah, it's halloween, and i spent the day with my youngest sisters,they're 6 and 9, shopping at walmart and helping them put their costumes together and driving ALL over town looking for a pumpkin (which was our fault since we shouldn't have waited until halloween afternoon to do it) and then carving that pumpkin and finally tonight taking them out trick-or-treating. they're so lovely, i love them to pieces. one was a mouse and the other one was a cat and they were so precious that i wanted to just hug them all night long. i'm the world's biggest dork.
so much has been happening, i feel somewhat overwhelmed. my dad's set up an appointment with another counselor on nov. 12th, and this is one that i can't really get out of. it's different than doing it on my own because then i choose whether or not to go. but now it's not my choice anymore, i suppose now it's only my choice whether or not i decide i really want things to change. because i've figured out now that you don't just have to want to get better. instead you have to want it so extremely much that you're willing to drop every tiny comfort you've ever known and carry all your uncertainties and fears, grown so big now, with you as you face your demons head on. that's what it is and i'm struggling to gather the strength to make this decision. i can do it, i can, i can. i just have to keep telling myself that. yet one of my sisters told me today that counselors are stupid and don't know what they're talking about and that everyone has problems so why do i think i'm special enough to need to see a psychiatrist? i had no way of explaining to her that i don't want to, not really, and that it'd be so easy for her to talk me out of going. but i said nothing and kept my mouth shut.
so many people who are close to my heart are hurting right now. more than anything i wish i could take all of their pain upon myself and hold it in my heart so they wouldn't have to feel any of it. it doesn't really matter at all how much i hurt as long as they're alright. i only wish i had the power to somehow make things better.
all i can do is say that i'm right here. and i always will be. and i'll turn myself inside out and wear my heart on my sleeve just for you, because i love you and i care.