if you want to try... try to forget it
i almost never write twice in one day. and i'm not quite sure why i am now, but i am. i don't even know if i really have anything to say.but at the moment i feel miles and miles apart from any real thing. the sense of being lost is overwhelming. i wanted so much to cut last night, i even found a pin and was sitting in the bathroom with it, it was buried under a pile of bracelets and necklaces and i left it there as i closed my eyes and struggled not to reach for it. i didn't cut. i suppose it was too close for comfort, but the point is, i didn't do it. instead i painted my fingernails about 20 different times, putting colors on and then taking them off and putting a new one on, and then did the same to my toenails until i was feeling not quite so shaky. 10 days. maybe i can make it to two weeks.
but what i really can't explain, that i wish i could right now, is this feeling of distance. it's like standing in the middle of a huge field, so vast that it seems like it never ends, with no person or animal or even a tree in sight. huge and open and empty, and above your head a cloudless sky that knows no end. that's how it is, just standing there and feeling that you will run for miles upon miles and never actually move from the point at which you're now standing. so why move at all? it's the loneliest feeling. to put it into more realistic words, it's just as if no one can reach me. at times i can hear and feel in people's words and actions the way that they're reaching out for me. like the time my dad held me, just that once, in his arms and i was crying and the deepest pain of it all was that he couldn't hold me close enough to reach into that pain. he couldn't touch it. people with reaching arms and they fail, i can see it in their eyes as i turn away in despair not because i want to but because i'm afraid not to. and i cry now as i write this because i want someone to be able to follow me to this place that i know i must walk through alone (not completely, but alone from people).
as i drove home from john's tonight i realized how much it changes things when i see him versus when i don't, and for just a moment there i saw what i would be like and feel like without him. everything went gray, in my mind and in my heart. i was overwhelmed by just the thought of not having him. and i know, yes, he means the world to me. but it scares me also; what if something happened and i lost him? and does he really understand how much i need him? (or, is it wrong to need him so much?)
"sooner or later more, these words to paper pour. Compose apologies, to bring you back to me. What words were written for...one girl whose pages tore. I'll bet you never knew, with a letter came a fool for you. She said she'd worked it out, this room's not big enough for two. He swears she'd work his words out, if she ever knew. How do I find her, bearing my heart in my hand? Last winter, anne arbour was all I had. I still wear your heart around my throat with barely the air not to choke. Never, not ever again. I finally replaced every promise you've taken away. Now that it's over, I'm older and colder this way...How do I find her, bearing my heart in my hand? Last winter, anne arbour was all I had." [get up kids]
i'll be alright in the morning.