in your heart forsaken me

beth and turtle *like* each other. that makes me so happy, because my 17-yr-old brother who hasn't really liked a girl (or at least let it be known that he likes one) for as long as i can remember now likes this awesome girl. the only thing that makes it better than that is that she's one of my best friends. =) and turtle -- he's so shy, i never thought in a million years that he'd come out and tell a girl how he feels about her, so directly as he did with beth. but he did. it doesn't matter to me that they're not dating right now, they're just *friends* and that's cool enough. i couldn't stop smiling when i found out.

it's been a hard week though, other than that; wednesday was the hardest day i've had in such a long time, and now it seems like it occurred ages ago. i'm going back to the psych on tuesday and i really don't want to. but i will, i'll summon what little courage i have left and face the process again. maybe in the end something will give and change.

my dad spoke today in church on emotions; actually, he was speaking on verses in proverbs, about things that weigh the heart down. envy, loneliness, disappointment, discouragement, guilt, grief, etc etc. but what shook me more than anything else was that he kept making the point that sometimes depression is caused by biological imbalances, or that sometimes people need help, need counselors, and that sometimes there's nothing a person can do to pull himself out. the reason this got to me was because i know he said it with me in mind. no matter how distant he sometimes seems, i know somewhere in my heart that he thinks of me -- and often, at that. and shut my eyes against the tears that wanted to fall so many times this morning.

i find things out too, sometimes; i stumble across things, like now, this poem that my sister wrote. in it, i see myself, and the things that i feel so deeply. fear that you will always, no matter what, disappoint the people that you want to please the most. no matter how hard you try, you let them down. and i see that in her, so clearly. people tell her she's a bad kid, that she's going down the wrong path and she'll end up with no life and no friends...and sometimes, i hate to say this, but at times i want to tell her that myself. when in reality if you look close enough you'll find that she's only afraid, fearful that she already has become what people tell her she will become, afraid that she can't change and afraid that she'll never live up to anyone's (my father's) standards. she covers this up with rebellion, saying that she doesn't care, and she comes across as cold and rude and downright mean. she's not, though, she's not. people just don't look close enough to see her when they look at her.

"what is this? mass confusion. this crazy way we're living, like candy-coated water drops. i'm spilling out my thoughts, you're spilling out your guts. and i can't help but stop and think that if the world stopped spinning, if the end was beginning, would you even notice if i wasn't here?"

--plumb

i love you always,

*bex

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