sick of life
"a heffalumps or woozles is very confusles, a heffalumps or woozles very sly..."why do i have winnie the pooh songs stuck in my head? (and WHY is he named winnie the pooh?!!!)
nothing is happening. had a lovely date with john last night at wal-mart/mcdonalds (there is a mcdonalds INSIDE the walmart. how amazing is that!), and we had my sis esta along too so that was nice.... it's 2:18 in the afternoon now and i just woke up. it doesn't matter, really, there's nothing better about being awake.
but the whole world is falling down around me and i'm not attempting to stop it. i haven't taken my meds since saturday night, and only then because john was here to "help" me take it (make me, in other words). it feels to me as though i'm surrounded by darkness, all that's waiting to just consume me if i don't hold it back. and i'm standing here, trying, but shaking because i'm so weak, and i've got the sinking feeling that i can only stand for so long. i'm waiting to fall, knowing it's coming. and, in the middle of it all, is the overwhelming sensation that perhaps this darkness is inside of me -- not outside. i'm curled up inside because i don't know how to make myself care anymore.
if i can have one thing for christmas, someone please give me the gift of GIVING A CRAP. because i wish i did, how i wish i did.
i love you always, no matter what.